I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
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