so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
