Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
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