In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
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going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
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do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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