If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
