Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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