there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
