I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
