Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
