Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
