i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
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The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
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Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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