Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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