You were right. It hurts to walk today.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
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