Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Everclear isn't food dammit
did i just pee glitter
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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