My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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