you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
