Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
