This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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