Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
