I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
there's paper in my vomit.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
