The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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