I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
