i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
