every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
