My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
