I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Randomize
