Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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