Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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