yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
