just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
