opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
