Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
