$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
