Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
