he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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