You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Randomize
