Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
