Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
