My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
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