fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
i am craving dick and cupcakes
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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