My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
