Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
