oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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