soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
