I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
