My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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