Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
