I just pynch a tree in the face
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
