Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
