It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
