Moan for me like Helen Keller
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
