my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Panties = found
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
