his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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