Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
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Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
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They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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