She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
