Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
