is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
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